Thursday, March 11, 2010

This Photo Will Inspire Raucous Laughter, Thank You Tabloid Sun

But don't read the article (actually do it, because it's like The Onion but for reals):

If I believed in an off-planet deity, I'd be invoking it/his/her name right about now. I'd be saying, "Good God, Sun, are you FOR REALZ?" Just like that.

Sun Man Nick Francis looks mighty frightened of that Bull Terrier. He's appropriately serious about the dog dangling at the end of his collar. But it's not Sun Man Nick Francis I find laughter-inducing, it's that supposed gang member. Look at him. Those eyes! Are we supposed to take him seriously? I. Just. Cannot. I'm sorry gang member person, but your wide-eyed look is less crazed and more deer-in-headlights. And you're killer dog? The one who's mauled like fifteen other gang members and scuffles with other canines? Yeah, well, sorry, but Not Impressed. I can tell you are holding him up by his collar and he is all DUDE I HAS TO HAVE THE OXYGEN and you think it's so cool. He doesn't. He's not lunging, you nimrod, he's just dangling there and no one is impressed.

Anyways, I tried SOOOOO HARD to take The Sun seriously. But I cannot. Not ever.

I don't think any of those people are gang members. I think it's all staged and exaggerated and fake. And if it's for real, geez, I hate to say it, but are people scared of these idiots?

One more thing.

"Chris and his gang all own what they say are pit bull and English bull terrier-type crosses"

Dear Chris,

I love your blue gloves. Is that your gang's color? It's awesome. But you are an idiot. Your dog is a Bull Terrier. The other dogs pictured are Staffordshire Bull Terriers and another Bull Terrier. Not a Pit Bull among the bunch. There is no American Pit Bull Terrier pictured.

Your dog and the dogs pictured are legal and not covered by the 1991 Dangerous Dog Act. So your street creds have gone down like 1000%, where your Pit Bull at?

I have one. She's a ninja. By default, she kicks your non Pit Bull's butt. Evidence here:

I am a sad ninja pit bull

Try topping that, Chris. You just can't. My Pit Bull is freaking illegal in your country and is called a Devil Dog. Your dog? He's a roman-nosed loser who has the silliest smile evar and is called a Bull Terrier. My Pit Bull can also kill a stuffy in 6 months. HA! TORTURED STUFFY! You cannot beat that. You may try, but you will fail, Chris. Sorry.

Dear Sun Commenters,

Peoples! Calm down. Don't take The Sun article seriously. In fact, just pretend it's a bad form of satire.


Pibble said...

I am laughing so hard, I'm crying. Right down to your "Bwahaha" label. I love it! The blue gloves... Oh, my stars. And the dog is just "WTF! I was about to pee, and by golly, the bloke, he grabbed me just like that!" And ninja Mina has me shaking in my slippers, I'll tell ya. She's got those mean eyes and I can see she's recently de-stuffed a stuffy. Oh, yeah. Stuffy killin' is what she does.

You really have to compile these posts into a book.

Rinalia said...

@Pibble: I hope to fill the Bwahaha label with many more belly-hurting laugh-gags. :)

I felt bad for the dog. Maybe he really is dangerous, but from the pictures, I get the impression he doesn't really live up to Chris' vision of aggressive. I think he might actually be quite doofy.

Mina's pretty hardcore when it comes to stuffy killing. She really does draw out the torture. :)

Luci's Mama said...

that is ridiculously silly...i'm trembling in terror at the gang member and his scary dog. ahah!

but oh, ninja Mina is clearly awesome!!! I wish you could walk her around town in that outfit all the time.

Retrieverman said...

The bull terrier is the most inbred of purebred dogs.

Mary said...

Did you read this caption? "Ferocious ... Chris's dog leaves blood stains as it hangs from branch"

Gingivitis - your dog has it.

Also, I don't understand the pit bull ban in the UK. Obviously there is a difference between Staffies and Amstaffs, but at the same time, the differences aren't always obvious. Seems like a distinction that would be difficult to enforce.

Rinalia said...

@Luci's Mama: It is pretty ridiculous. Mina would kill me if I made her dress up as a ninja on a regular basis!

@Retrieverman: That's sad and fascinating at the same time. I've never found Bull Terriers that appealing - I like the lithe look of an American Pit Bull Terrier and Bull Terriers always struck me as really barrel-chested and rather silly looking (I haven't met one I didn't like, based on personality!) I can see they must get that from their bulldog ancestry.

@Mary: Ha! Poor dog needs a dental!

I've never had a problem discerning Staffy Bulls from American Pit Bull Terriers or American Staffordshire Terriers. They're smaller, have more robust/round heads. Telling the difference between some of the lighter ASTs and APBTs would be hard and even the champion ASTs have APBT in their recent pedigrees. I'd have a hard time w/ mixed breeds, of course. All that is moot, as you know, it's about behavior, not breed.

Mary said...

@Rinalia: I've never really had much trouble distinguishing either, when it comes to dogs that really exhibit the "standard" characteristics, but where a live there seem to be a lot of little compact APBTs that might be able to pass as as Staffies if you squint hard enough. I guess it's just weird because here in the States they all (Staffies, ASTs, and APBTs) tend to all get swept under the same "pit bull" umbrella, so most people, outside of serious dog circles (ie, sports and conformation types) are unable to recognize any difference.

Also, since you mentioned behavior, are they distinctive behavioral characteristics between the two? I mean, obviously every dog is an individual, but are there typical personality traits that might distinguish the breeds?

Anonymous said...

I'm going to quote my cat "Stoopid Hooman! My canine and Miss Mina are much more 'street' than that silly looking trio." Then the estimable Charlie, The Cat, presented his tail and stalked off.

But seriously? Was it a slow news day over there? Can we save the poor dog? I think I can kick some 'tough boy' butt. They don't look particularly tough.