Wednesday, March 3, 2010

One Does not Belong with the Rest

Hey everyone, the Huffington Post has provided us with a powerful list: 9 Dangerous Pets. Get out your pad and paper, peoples, we gots us a serious list up ahead.

First up, ostriches. Ostriches are dangerous because they run fast and kick. So do horses. Also, elephants. I suppose any large mammal running after you appears scary. Yet, HuffPo could only pick nine dangerous animals as pets, and well, I guess if you have to pick between the ostrich being ridden by a girl and Black Beauty, you're picking number one. Amirite?

Next are kinkajous. I'm like, what's a kinkajou? They like figs. They make the list because Paris Hilton is an idiot.

OH MY GOD, MINA MADE THE LIST! Mina has made the 9 Dangerous Pets HuffPo list and she is damn well proud of herself. Yes, Pit Bulls made the list because they make up the most (fatal) attacks and (fatal) is just added for posterity sake. And also, because Michael Vick trained dogs to be fighters and that makes them really dangerous and unadoptable. I mean, they haven't yet eaten anyone in their adopted homes or sanctuaries. BUT THERE IS STILL TIME.


In an amazing move, HuffPo is all "How can I get a lot of different species of animals clumped under one dangerous pet designation and thus negate the whole nine limitation?" and then they were all Constrictor Snakes! Followed by Venomous Snakes! Geez, HuffPo.

Just so that you follow: one domestic species, one wild species, one breed of domestic species, all the species of snakes IN THE UNIVERSE!

Following all the snakes in the universe are tigers (and any other big cat). Twenty-eight pound domestic felines may only apply if they have smothered five infants in the past six months.

I like the next one: Alligators, crocodiles and/or caimans. And/or? For reals? This is getting a little ludicrous.

My ALL TIME FAVORITE is the 2nd to last of the nine dangerous pets: baby turtles. That's right. Not adults. They has the salmonella and they will kills you with it. After you're dead from the cute, though.

And to round up the "9" are deadly spiders. Like all of them.

So, to conclude: one domestic species, one breed of domestic species, all the species of snakes, wild felines, baby turtles, deadly spiders, and/or alligators, crocodiles and/or caimans.

That's like a kajillion more than nine, HuffPo.

4 comments:

Daisy Dog said...

Oh Gee! Most deadly? ROFLOL

Pibble said...

You know, I don't want any "breed" to EVER be blanket-labeled as dangerous. We all know it's counter-productive and just plain stupid.

But maybe there is a group, a rather large group, of people who should be locked in a room with one or two Caucasian Shepherds. Really. Bred. To. Kill. I can see a bunch of these ignorant folks saying "Oooo, big stuffed animal; cutie!" and that changes to "nice p-p-puppy" as they back into a corner, reaching for their bite sticks and pepper spray, as these ginormous monsters inch toward them.

Ah, all in good fun, of course. I would never do such a thing to endanger Caucs. Except maybe to scare the hell out of Michael Vick and all supporters of BSL...

Retrieverman said...

I think Caucasian Ovtcharkas and Fila Brasileiros are, on the whole, far more dangerous than Pit Bulls.

Jennie said...

I always do enjoy being lumped in with people who think a 400lb wild cat or a rattlesnake will make a nice house pet.

And those baby turtles! With their cute and deadly bacteria!

I think the poor intern who wrote that just forfeited her writing career.