Wednesday, March 24, 2010

My New Favorite Anti-Pit Bull Article

I can't say I really had a favorite, but maybe I did. For sure, I do now!

The Lynn Journal in Massachusetts has a message - ban pit bulls. The article is ludicrous and, really, I love the "Journal Staff" now for posting it, because if I won't laugh at this crap, WHO WILL?

Now, lots of commenters keep pointing out that the author is "Journal Staff" and how cowardly is it not to mention their own name? Which I would understand normally, except that the Lynn Journal functions off of a wordpress account and "Journal Staff" appears to be the author of all the articles. So, overzealous commenters, chillax about the author (lack thereof) name.

I imagine the Lynn Journal is either really excited they brought up Pit Bulls. Their Pit Bull article is probably the most commented article they have on their site! There are nearly 95 - you could help make it a 100. I won't, because I do all my commenting on other people's stuff here. That is how I roll.
I wonder, what purpose exactly do pit bull terriers serve for the owners?
More importantly, what service do they serve for us, the residents of his city?
The answer in both cases is nothing.
Well, gee-whiz, Journal Staff, why'd you ask the question if you were just going to answer it? That is uncool.

Now, it's true - Mina does not serve me. I serve her. This is a mutually agreed upon relationship. She also provides no service to the city of Lynn, because she is not the type who services anyone but herself and certainly not some random town 3,000 miles away. She is selfish but she will make you think she is not. Diabolique! Anyway.
Pit bulls by their nature are ferocious animals.
No, she's not eating the puppy
Celeste is clearly lucky to have made it to adulthood without any mouth, which AS YOU CAN SEE HERE, has been gulped whole by one ferocious Pit Bull.

They are attack dogs – and they often attack. They love violence and mayhem.They enjoy mauling people they do not know.
Wow, someone is giving Pit Bulls more credit than they deserve. I mean, I love to portray Mina as a canine bent on world domination, but thing is, I know it's not true. Like I know Mina isn't capable of summoning her legions of devotees (and she has legions, people) and controlling their behavior such that they gave her five million liver cookies a second. Also, don't tell anyone this, but Mina cannot actually talk. Like when I say she is talking to me, she actually isn't. I am sorry if I just crushed your dreams.

If I really thought Pit Bulls were attack dogs and often attacked and loved violence and mayhem and really liked mauling people they didn't know, well, I can't say I'd welcome one into my home. Unless I was stupid. And I am not. I mean, here's the thing - I've met more than 3,000 Pit Bulls. I have done the math. This ALMOST MAKES ME AN EXPERT ON MEETING PIT BULLS. If I meet 7,000 more, I will be an expert on meeting pit bulls. Now, it is true that I have been nipped by two of those 3,000 Pit Bulls, but I have also been nipped by two of the 3,000 Labrador Retrievers I have met. None of the four dogs appeared to enjoy biting me. Three were scared, one was stupid and thought moving ankles were toys. WRONG. She was quite appalled when I yelled at her (like woah, what'd I do?) - she was also 8 months old. Anyways.

Just saying. If Lynn Journal Staff were right, I believe it would be statistically unlikely that, out of the thousands of Pit Bulls I have met, only two were cool enough to try and eat me. And by cool, I mean evil. And by evil, I really mean scared and/or untrained.

I think this might be my favorite part:
By our count, this is the 12th incidence of pit bull mauling of a local person in the past three years. This is just a guess approximation.
 A guess approximation. That's even worse than an approximation. It's like an approximation of an approximation. Remember the game "telephone" wherein everyone sits in a circle and a person says "My dog likes fried tofu" and by the end of the circle it's transformed into "Pie tries hide-fu". That's a "guess approximation".

Journalism, anyone can do it!


CyborgSuzy said...

You're clearly too contaminated with land shark cooties to have an un-biased opinion about this.

They get into your brain, you know. And make it SWELL.

Rinalia said...

You are absolutely right. I have great fears I might develop tetanus as well and lockjaw myself onto random strangers!

Jennie said...

What's with the random hyphenation too? Is it Pit Bull, pit bull or pit-bull people? Make up your minds so I know which evil, violent, mayhem loving dogs to ban from my life/house/city/town!

Anonymous said...

hey, maybe "Christopher" whose idiocy is giving us such enjoyment over at r-man's blog, wrote it!


Janet Johnson said...


A Free Spirit said...

this article is ridiculous. pit bulls are amazing creatures! i recently wrote a post clearing up a few myths about pit bulls, mainly dealing with agression.