Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The Truth About Pit Bull Owners

Today is the day I unveil The Truth About Pit Bull Owners. I am a Pit Bull Owner and thus have intimate knowledge about The Truth. All shall be revealed. Consider yourself honored. I am risking life and limb distributing The Truth, but I feel it is very important.

Peter Gelzinis of The Boston Herald knows a little about The Truth. He is not a Pit Bull Owner, though, and so I feel it is my moral obligation to reinforce the discriminatory, irrational, hyperbolic stereotypes. I MEAN TRUTHIES.

THE TRUTH ABOUT PIT BULL OWNERS

1. We want machine guns because they have teeth that can shred our beer cans. Figure that one out for yourself, you plebes.

2. We do not own anything more valuable than our Pit Bulls. For example, I own a home, but Mina is worth more than that home. I also own a SUV, but Mina is worth more than the Ford Escape Hybrid (sorry Henrietta). Millions of studies have shown Pit Bull Owners do not own anything more expensive than their Pit Bulls.

3. We are part of a secret society that adores discrimination, racism, and prejudice. Why bother with self-flagellation when we can get Peter Gelzinis to smack us silly with his tiny words of -isms?

4. We want to intimidate you with our dogs, because we have machine guns and drugs to protect.

Be intimidated. That's a kevlar vest she's wearing (she's worth more than the vest too). It's stylish.

Mina is stylin in the rain

10 comments:

Jen said...

that article was just...

and the comments...

ugh.

cre8vekaos said...

Talk about a weapon of mass stupification. That article killed brain cells by just looking at it. Makes you wonder what would happen if we were in the same room with the writer.

EmilyS said...

I can't read it. Another moron trying to get attention on the back of a dog and its owners. Terrierman, Merritt Clifton and Colleen Lynn all rolled into one, from what it sounds like.

Can I hate him?

Jennie said...

Ah, the violent, calender-mailing Pit Bull owner. Terrifying!

Also, I wish my dogs shredded beer cans. Maybe they missed that memo?

mcsassypants said...

Pit bulls can shred beer cans? Man! I must inform mine that she's been severely slacking in household aluminum waste disposal.

Me said...

I'm bookmarking this for the next time people think I'm being hyperbolic when I tell them that pit bull bigotry is all wrapped up in other bigotry.

It's all the same thing, it's all the same emotional thought processes and fears and xenophobic crap as every other kind of bigotry out there; and you can see it in action as dog haters consistently reveal themselves to be classist and racist and just plain stupid.

Now if you will excuse me, I have to meet with my insurance agent about having my pit bull's grill insured.

Pibble said...

This is what happens when you thrive on sound bites and nothing but. You become a narrow-minded, ignorant SOB. I kept reading, thinking that this absurdity called a "news item" had to be a joke.

Dang. Where's my dog, anyway. I need a beer.

Kari in WeHo said...

oh man, that is so me! :-P

Maureen said...

What an absolute jackass.

BaltimoreGal said...

Wasn't that just ridiculous? I had a few things to say. and a few others did as well- DOUBLE the comments today.