Today is the day I unveil The Truth About Pit Bull Owners. I am a Pit Bull Owner and thus have intimate knowledge about The Truth. All shall be revealed. Consider yourself honored. I am risking life and limb distributing The Truth, but I feel it is very important.
Peter Gelzinis of The Boston Herald knows a little about The Truth. He is not a Pit Bull Owner, though, and so I feel it is my moral obligation to reinforce the discriminatory, irrational, hyperbolic stereotypes. I MEAN TRUTHIES.
THE TRUTH ABOUT PIT BULL OWNERS
1. We want machine guns because they have teeth that can shred our beer cans. Figure that one out for yourself, you plebes.
2. We do not own anything more valuable than our Pit Bulls. For example, I own a home, but Mina is worth more than that home. I also own a SUV, but Mina is worth more than the Ford Escape Hybrid (sorry Henrietta). Millions of studies have shown Pit Bull Owners do not own anything more expensive than their Pit Bulls.
3. We are part of a secret society that adores discrimination, racism, and prejudice. Why bother with self-flagellation when we can get Peter Gelzinis to smack us silly with his tiny words of -isms?
4. We want to intimidate you with our dogs, because we have machine guns and drugs to protect.
Be intimidated. That's a kevlar vest she's wearing (she's worth more than the vest too). It's stylish.