Friday, October 8, 2010

How Mina Would Vote If She Could

Californians have a kajillion propositions to think about this November. A KAJILLION.

Mina is here to let you know how she would vote, if she could. Fact is, Mina wouldn't have elections, because if she was in charge, she'd have a totalitarian dictatorship but it would come with free cookies.

So for you Californians who read this blog and trust the sage advice of one patchy-eyed Pit Bull, please read on. Mina's opinions are hers alone and do not necessarily reflect the opinion of this blog's writer.

Proposition 19: I am a fan of sniffing stuff, and I don't believe pot is any exception. Not that I have sniffed the stuff. I haven't. But I would. And Proposition 19 would let me. If persons over the age of 21 want to smoke or bake delicious carob chip brownies, I say let them. Plus, it would bring in the monies for the Californians. I don't have any opinion about money, except if I can eat it, and if I can't, who the pup cares? More importantly, my minion just bought Square Foot Gardening and Proposition 19 would let her grow 25 square feet of marijuana. If she wanted to. And she does not. But it could mean a brand new chapter for the book's author.

Proposition 20: Will the Pit Bulls of Santa Monica and San Francisco and Lancaster be free from the shackles of oppression if this passes? If not, then leave the redistricting up to me. San Francisco can become part of Oakland and Santa Monica can go into the sea and Lancaster's crazy mayor can buy some pot and chillax a bit.

Mina is noble times twoProposition 21: This proposition would ensure that dogs can piss on trees and bushes in our state parks for years to come. Or at least until another proposition says an additional $18 tax on cars is so rude. Well, it's not, peoples. What's rude is letting me walk through an unkempt state park. Do I look like a wilderness dog to you? DO I? I have artwork painted and framed for me hanging on the minion's wall, for pup's sake.

Proposition 22: Sometimes, during temperature hardships, my minion steals the covers from me. I would like to see this practice banned, even if temperature hardships are an undue burden on my minion because I insist on double-covers. If Proposition 22 includes minions stealing from Pit Bulls, I support it fully.

Proposition 23: Everybody knows global warming is real, except for Valero and the Republican Party, but fact is IT EXISTS. I created it. Check it. So why is the Adam Smith Foundation from Missouri donating $498,000 to stop California from having one of the most stringent clean air legislation? Do they hate air that much? I like it. I INVENTED IT. I didn't come into existence just so some foundation could fulfill their mission of "promoting conservative principles and individual liberties in Missouri" in California. I do not do silly talk. It is why Celeste and I have a hard time communicating.

Proposition 24: Where are my tax breaks at? Nevermind that I don't pay taxes, I deserve a break! This proposition would repeal tax breaks inflicted upon this great state by one Arnold Shwizzle-stick who is also a Governor and an actor and an Austrian. THREE POINTS AGAINST HIM. Anyways, Swhizzle-stick wanted to give corporations tax breaks, because Genentech and GE and Cisco and CBS and Time Warner are doing so horribly that the can BARELY afford the 5.3 million combined they've donated to the opposition campaign. I wish I had a million dollars so that I could buy a diamond-encrusted cape and a penthouse where I can send Celeste. But I don't. Genentech, I will tell the minion to vote no if you give me a million dollars.

I know, you're probably all like this now
Mina is uber bored
Toughen up. Only three more Propositions to go. Californians do love their propositions. It's Democracy for Rich People in action, Jackson.

Proposition 25: Let's say you and ten of your best canine buds are sitting around trying to decide whether to watch The Dog Whisperer or It's Me Or The Dog. This is life or death stuff here. If you had to make a decision based on California budget rules, you'd need 7.26 dogs to choose a show. This is just a physical impossibility, folks. But, say you had a Proposition like 25, then it would just take six of you crazy canines to make a decision. And if you didn't make a decision, you wouldn't get fed. Hmm. That part sort of sucks, because I like eating.

Proposition 26: Okay, let's say you and ten of your best canine buds are sitting around trying to decide if the evil Maltipoo next door who only speaks in tongues should be charged 5 cookies for every dog-language violation she commits. You'd be totally rich and you would all vote yes, but let's say Proposition 26'd need a SUPERmajority vote to tax that bitch. Oh, yeah, I said the b-word, because it is an anatomical reality for this Maltipoo. Truth.

Proposition 27: This is what I like about California. Back in 2008, voters thought California should have a commission that redistricts stuff. They also voted to hate gay people. Now voters may vote to repeal what they voted for, probably because they smoked too much illegal pot to remember how they voted two years ago. They'll also have to vote to decide if they want to have a commission that redistricts stuff with Proposition 20. Did no one get together from the Prop 20 camp and the Prop 27 camp and realize they're the same proposition? It's like McCain/Palin 2008 but without the dead elk. This is once again silly logic, and I do not do silly logic. Unless it is actually funny. But this isn't, because a lot of cookies were wasted to get two similar propositions on my minion's ballot. And if she has to spend time trying to decide how to vote for similar propositions, that's less time for my back massage. Which I like. It says so on my collar.

Now you know how to vote, Californians. You are welcome.

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